The why and how to find your partner attractive again
It’s a little known fact that often doesn’t get discussed. We make a lot of assumptions about our relationships. One assumption is that you will find your partner as attractive after 10 years as we did the day we met them.
If you’re struggling to find your partner attractive, don’t panic. We’ve got your back! In this blog we’ll talk about the common reasons why the sparkle fades and what you can do about it.
Here are the 4 common reasons why you don’t find your partner attractive anymore:
- You’re interacting in a transactional way
Families with young children have a bigger list of daily tasks that need to be achieved every day by an adult. Couples often slip into a mode of ticking off the to-do list and forgetting about the slower more romantic tasks. For example one partner will entertain the kids while the other accomplishes household/ work/ social duties, then they swap roles.
The way couples talk to each other becomes business like and changes the way they view each other.
2. You put self-care on the bottom of your priorities list
If you put yourself at the bottom of the priorities list, you won’t feel confident, happy or attractive. From having time to wash your hair, to wearing clothes that make you feel good. Making sure you feel good is going to impact how your partner sees you. It’s not a vanity thing, it’s a mood thing. People who feel content, confident and joyful are more receptive to picking up on cues.
3. There’s a wedge between you
Unresolved hurts often lead to resentment. Couples who are good at sweeping issues under the carpet often end up bickering and acting passive aggressively. They will turn away from or against their partner when their partner tries to make a bid for connection.
This will change the way you see your partner, instead of seeing your partner through a generous and compassionate lens, you will be looking at them with a negative lens. This in turn will change the way your partner sees you.
4. You’re bored
Research shows there are two key elements to keeping the spark alive; variety and appreciation. While it’s important to keep a sense of stability in the relationship in order to feel safe this can leave the relationship feeling stale. We also need the other side of the coin. That being novelty and variety.
It’s also important to make sure that you’re still having time to yourself to make sure that you’re filling up your own cup.
What to do if you’ve lost the spark?
Okay so you’ve read over the four common ways that couples lose the spark and you realise that one or more sound familiar to you. What can you do to get the spark back before it’s too late?
Start to ask yourself some investigative questions to find the source of your problem.
Have a think back to when things first started getting stale:
- What was happening at the time?
- What have you done so far to rectify the situation?
- What do you need from the relationship?
Don’t assume that the fault lies with your partner. Your lack of attraction to them might come from a need of more self-care, or hobbies from outside of the relationship.
Once you can locate what changed the perception, then it’s time to start implementing a plan that will change your perception.
This might include finding time to spend together talking about things that aren’t kids, work or bills.
Have an honest conversation about what’s upset you recently in the relationship and how you would prefer things to be.
Perhaps there are things on the to-do-list that you can do together or remove from the list all together!
There are going to be times throughout your relationships life, where your attraction to your partner is going to wax and wane. That’s to be expected. When you find that your attraction isn’t coming back, then it’s time to look at why and start to implement things about it.