Being the recipient of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” can cause anxiety to rise up into your throat leaving a choking feeling. It’s a line that’s usually saved for someone who’s desperately clutching at reasons as to why they want out of the relationship.
But it doesn’t have to be.
I’m a big believer in being an active participant in relationships, which also includes recognising and discussing harsh realities. Like not being able to connect with the “in love” feeling.
So what does this line actually mean?
When we feel in love with someone, we actively focus on the relationship; it’s nurtured, warm and growing. Thinking about our partner causes a slight smile to run across our lips. We look forward to seeing them and describe being in their presence like being “home”. There is also a sense of autonomy, you can have a sense of yourself within the relationship.
When you’ve been with your partner for some time and daily routine becomes monotonous, you end up feeling that life is about transactions rather than shared experiences.
The mystery is missing.
The way our daily lives is designed, we no longer have the space between us to see the individual in front of us.
There’s little autonomy and freedom. There’s too much closeness, too much responsibility, that it suffocates desire. The more we know and the more we care about the other, the less we can lust and desire.
We love our partner but we’re not in love.
The enemy of the relationship is complacency, monotony and over-responsibility.
The remedy for not being “in love” is:
1. Variety- Making sure that you are changing things up. Going to new places, having new experiences. This is the spice of your relationship.
2. Appreciation- Being appreciative of each others interests, of all the things you do for each other. Looking for the person you met at the beginning, whose stories enthralled you.
3. Pro-action- scheduling in date nights, sex, time to talk. Making sure that you are committed to filling up the love tank.
4. Equality- Being open and honest about how much load you’re both carrying. How much responsibility you’re shouldering.
5. Differentiation– Having a solid understanding of yourself and respecting your partner as a person separate to you. Making sure you both enjoy a life outside of the relationship and family. Being able to understand your partners feelings without taking them personally.
Being “in love” means that you have spent time maintaining the relationship and the feelings you hold towards your partner. Recognising that you’re not in a state of love isn’t the end of the relationship if you’re both able to agree to give it everything that you’ve got to revive things.
You both are in the relationship together, you can both work on growing the spark you once had.
If you’re looking for more ideas on how to do this, jump on over to my product page.