I’ve had a few conversations with my girlfriends about their experiences of internet dating. Despite some of the giggles and the cringes, unfortunately the bad experiences tend to outweigh the good. This leaves my friends feeling deflated and asking “why am I unlucky in love?”
My partner has a friend who we’ve tried to set up with a girlfriend of mine, keen the whole way through, he pulled out at the last minute. A month later while at our house for dinner he tells us he just can’t meet anyone special. Maybe he’s “just unlucky in love…?”.
So what’s going on? Why is it that people who are single and look great on paper end up having disappointing experiences?
The answer lies in our family.
When we fall in love with people, we tend to recreate a pattern that we learned from our family. Our relationships as adults in a way mirror the story we learned about love as children. I say *in a way* because it’s completely unconscious. A key aspect to look out for, is that we will be drawn to people who feel familiar.
I feel like I’ve known them my whole life!
It’s just SO easy!
These partners may have different occupations, backgrounds and feel like different people. However, there will be similar characteristics that they all have in common and it’s these characteristics that will feel familiar to us. Perhaps they’re distant, overly judgemental or are highly anxious.
Whatever these characteristics are, they will in some way remind you of your parent. Who perhaps was harsh and critical of you, as well as being loving and fun. Maybe you find familiarity in a partner who is less responsible than you, or less intelligent. The way that you interact with someone with this trait, reminds you unconsciously, of the love bond you have with your parent.
When you’re ready to break out of these patterns, you will start to see these old behaviours as unattractive. This is where therapy can help, a good therapist can help you identify the patterns you’ve been operating under and help shift your focus to a relationship you deserve.